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Mary vs Joseph
Mary vs Joseph is the fourth official installment of ERBofSmoshery's Epic Rap Battles of History, the fourth episode of Season 2, and the 2015 Christmas Special. It features biblical parents, Mary and Joseph, rapping against each other and later teaming up to retell the Christmas Story with Greek messenger, Hermes; fictional inkeeper, Monsieur Thénardier; the Ancient Greek Wise Men, Archimedes, Hippocrates, and Aristotle; Roman emperor, Caligula; and the Supreme Being, God. It was released on December 21st, 2015. Cast Josie Ahlquist as Mary EpicLLOYD as Joseph, Aristotle, and God (actor) Anthony Padilla as Hermes Zach Sherwin as Monsieur Thénardier Nice Peter as Archimedes and Caligula George Watsky as Hippocrates Chali 2na as God (voice) Kurt as a man named Jesus (cameo) Kimmy Gatewood as Madame Thénardier (cameo) Ian Hecox as Cassius Chaerea (cameo) Plot Mary has just been told that she is pregnant, and goes to tell Joseph the incredible news. Unfortunately, Joseph, thinking that Mary had been unfaithful to him, reacts in a completely unexpected way to what Mary had planned, fighting and arguing with her. After Joseph leaves the scene, Hermes appears to him, representing the Angel Gabriel, and tells him to stop being so angry about the situation. Hermes tells Joseph that Mary is pregnant with the Holy Spirit, and that she had not been unfaithful to him at all. Joseph then goes back to apologise to Mary, and she suggests that they find a place to stay, as they have to return to Bethlehem. Just at that moment, Monsieur Thénardier (as the Inkeeper) appears and offers them a place in his inn. Mary and Joseph accept the offer, and Mary soon gives birth to the baby Jesus. After hearing the news from afar, Archimedes, Hippocrates, and Aristotle visit Jesus as the Three Wise Men, and offer him their praises and gifts. Hermes then appears once again, this time to the Three Wise Men, and warns them that Caligula has tricked them into telling him where Jesus is, so they prepare to set off on another route. But just as they begin to leave, Caligula himself, representing King Herod, appears and proceeds to take control over everyone's lives with his evil intentions. Then, just as he is about to finish them off for good, the clouds open up, and God teaches the Emperor an important lesson about the spirit of Christmas Lyrics Mary is in purple, Joseph is in brown, Hermes is in yellow, a man named Jesus is in lime, Monsieur Thénardier is in green, Madame Thénardier is in teal, Archimedes is in cream, Hippocrates is in grey, Aristotle is in dark khaki, Caligula is in red, and God is in cyan. If the Three Wise Men are rapping together they are in normal text 'Prologue:' One day in the town of Nazareth, young Mary had the most amazing visitor, an Angel! 'Mary:' Huh! Who are you? 'Hermes:' Please don't be afraid Mary! I am Hermes! I've come to bring good news! 'Mary:' News? For me? 'Hermes:' God has chosen you, out of all the women in the world, to be the mother of his son! 'Mary:' God has chosen me? How can this be? 'Hermes:' Everything is possible with God! You will have a son, the son of God, and you will call the baby, Jesus! 'Mary:' Whatever God wants, I will do! Mary runs back to her house to tell Joseph the good news sent from the Angel 'Mary:' Joseph! My dear, Joseph! I bring forth good news! 'Joseph:' What may this news be? 'Mary:' God sent an Angel down to greet me, I'm going to have a son! 'Joseph:' What?! 'Battle:' 'Joseph:' Oh, these words of madness strike me to conceive a Conception! I'm introducing the institutions to my Immaculate inception! Now I'm forced to teach this child who seeks some Counsel in a petition So try this: Navigate around your verse without putting me in Dormition! You're a crazy toddling Virgin who's still got nothing to live by! My statues help peoples lives, while yours just stand there and cry! Now my verse transpires the verbal stabbing of Seven Sorrowful daggers! I'm a carpenter, but compared to you, you couldn't call me a naggar! 'Mary:' The Lord God may have blessed me, but tell me, how will this be? That just a plain man with no fostering skills should preach to the Virgin Mary? You're in death's abode, no road can lead the way from all your crimes For it would truly be a miracle if I could heal you of those rhymes! And I shall make you swallow your words like it's thine own verbal feast day! If you'd divorced me in the public, I'd fight a less rocky fray! You're overlooked in the books like you're a splat of blood on my door! So tell your people, that for once, I'm not the one they should be praying for! 'Joseph:' Don't make Assumptions, Mary, I'm not exactly the understudy! And after hearing that awful verse, you're one to talk about Bloody! I'm a Patron of the Catholic Church, you can't Passover this Saint! But now I'm finished, and I can gather up all the crowd to hear my plaint! 'Hermes:' I have come to you in swift flight, and I'll rid your insolence! So add your stones to the pile, it's like the Massacre of Innocence! Your soul is being conducted, you need to change any way you can 'Cause I'm the one who invented the fire to burn this flash in the Pan! So I'll erect this like a Herma so you can't confound these! My rage is imminent, immigrant, and you've just crossed the boundaries! I'm stood here at the crossroads of your life and proper self And I will turn your Genesis inside out if your burning heart doesn't melt! But yet you still have time to protect yourself from the warnings that I break So I suggest you turn to the magic herbs and think for Mary's sake! For behold! She will conceive a son, put an end to all this meanness! He will be the child of the Lord our God, and you shall call him Jesus! 'A man named Jesus:' Did somebody say Jesus? 'Joseph:' Oh, dear Mary! What have I done? How could I ever repair my faults? Let us restore our ways of kindness and put away our signs of revolt! For I have seen the true magnificence of this holy Christmas spirit! And I shall bring my child up gracefully, break out not a single lyric! 'Mary:' Our disputes have come to an end, and I must thank you for it thus But we must return to the town of Bethlehem, for our taxes have turned upon us! Now we shall gather up our belongings, for we are travelling day to day! But we will have to search there high and low just to find a place to stay! 'Monsieur Thénardier:' Ah! Chop chop my sweeting! We are awaiting some guests! Let me show this Lovely Lady what a gentleman does best! With my open palm I plead, doing good deeds is my Creed! I'm the bon-viveur of rendezvous, a regular Candide! You should settle down, pull out some Empty Chairs and watch the Stars! Let me lighten out your purse and you can taste wine in my bar! I have reasonable charges, but pay extra for the staff Just a gent of good intent! Ha! Don't make me laugh! 'Mary and Joseph:' Oh, the door to the town has opened! Come, let's lay down all our load! For till our taxes dawn, we are safe in keeping this place as our humble abode! So let me simply end by saying how much thanks we give to thee We should rest here till the babe is born! What are your feelings, Mary? 'Joseph (Interlude):' Mary? 'Mary and Joseph:' Oh, darling Mary! Do my eyes deceive me? What a wonderful sight! Our dearest son is finally with us, and his star is shining bright! Bless the Father! Praise to you, for you have born a holy wonder! And this love that God hath joined to us, let no man put asunder! 'The Three Wise Men:' We have found the holy child, with the bearing of our knowledge For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay our homage! We have travelled out all far and wide to see him be adored! So may we all fall down before him, let us pray to Christ our Lord! Oh, this sacred shining star imports the goodness of the birth Of Jesus Christ, the Son of God! But what can I offer that is worth The equal praise assigned to Christ when classic brains should be combined? Ah! Eureka! I have found it! I shall offer out my mind! For the doctrine of fostering this child is truly prospering! So now I send out health and life in form of all my doctoring To cleanse this body free of any sickness or diseases! For no man here can live without the powers set by Jesus! And now my quotes can come in third when praises are conferred So I shall keep these presents raining down with gifts of thoughts and words! For I dearly hope this infant child grows up to carry these teachings! And I question, what is this Earthly life to live by but your preachings? 'Hermes:' But wait, what is this? You've been foiled and tricked by word! If you make your journey that way, all your gifts will be interred! For when each of you were sent down and you followed the canicula Your paths were being laid down by the plannings of Caligula! 'Caligula:' I'm charging up my tactics, you're more drowned out than Poseidon! And those bars were like my army, 'cause I couldn't fucking find 'em! Yet I'll still manage to pack a fight and leave your one neck broken! All you have to do is knock me, and the pits shall be opened! No peasants can Look Down on me, for no man stands above me! They're lower than their grovelling, the motherfuckers love me! I'm a Crazy Horse! My Droogs make bitches cower from this goat! Stare out blood shots on your mirror as I get graphic on your throat! 'God:' You've failed to stand Before Christ, but the Father's still B-seen ya And he's summoned to teach this mortal who shows less beef than Caesar! When you chose to flow with a Neptune God, you sunk to the feet of Juno If you wanted a fair-sized fight, you should've prayed to take on Pluto! My right hand leaves you kneeling as your golden gate closes I'll cut through the midst of your sinking bridges like my name was Moses! Best search inside your evil heart to teach you 'bout this presage When I told you to be holy, looks like Cassius caught the message! Poll Who was your favourite character? Mary Joseph Hermes Monsieur Thénardier The Three Wise Men Caligula God Trivia General *This is the first battle to feature biblical characters. *This is the first holiday-themed battle. *This battle features the most rappers so far, at a total of 9. *This is the first battle to feature third-parties. *This is the first battle to feature two relatives battling each other. *This is the first battle to have rappers reconcile with each other. *The battle is an adaptation of the biblical Christmas Story, making it the first story battle. *This is the first battle to feature an image placed onto the ERB logo on the cover art. *This is the first battle to feature speaking cameos. *This battle is the longest rap so far, at 94 lines long. *This is the first battle to have a prologue. *This is the second battle to not feature a "VS" sign on the cover art, after Freddy vs Jason. Category:Epic Rap Battles of History Category:Season 2 Category:Mary vs Joseph Category:Josie Ahlquist Category:EpicLLOYD Category:Anthony Padilla Category:Zach Sherwin Category:Nice Peter Category:George Watsky Category:Chali 2na Category:Kurt Category:Kimmy Gatewood Category:ERBofSmoshery